The birthday wasn’t the worst part. I don’t have much of a complaint about the birthday per se. In fact, I rather did enjoy being able to relate to the lyrics of two songs that I have always liked, one by Incubus and one by Blink 182. Just liking those bands shows my age, geez, they are so “early 2000′s.”

It’s the springtime, really. It’s the reawakening of the earth and the sun and the wind and the birds. It’s smelling the earth and not wearing a jacket outside anymore. It’s the first everything – the first day it hit 70 degrees, the first iced coffee of the season, the first day I admired the bright green bloom of the leaves on the trees – that really has me down. Down is not the best word to describe the strange blend of pangs of nostalgia, irateness, melancholy and bitterness that’s been beleaguering me recently (I’m telling myself that I don’t care that I probably abused the word beleaguering…)

The first year out of undergrad has been a tumultuous experience. For a few months I was an hourly worker, doing the scary job hunt thing while working in Human Resources. The hourly gig turned into a full time job which turned into volunteering for several huge high-profile projects and them all converging painfully in the same month. I ended up enrolling in a graduate business course (a decision I question every day, even though I’m mostly enjoying it) and essentially chaining myself to the organization for a few years. That’s the price you pay for free school, which is not a bad idea.

At the end of the day, I feel like I’m missing something. Is this really it? Work a lot, pay the catastrophically high student loan bills every month, clean the cat box, hang out with friends occasionally, and catch up on a few TV shows through Hulu?

I used to really like work. But now it seems like I’m not getting the same out of it that I used to. I hate those stupid assumptions about the “Millennial” generation that [older] people seem to have about people my age. Being in a tiny minority at work exacerbates the situation. I know that people don’t mean it to insult me, but I feel that at work I am constantly reminded about my age, and my age is cited as a reason for my personality and effectiveness. If anyone at work had ever met my mom, they would learn that my work ethic and disposition is not related to my age. I’m probably going to be a hard worker and a cheerful person at work for the rest of my life. It’s in my blood and how I was raised.

Being a full-time student for 80% of your entire life and then spending 11 months not doing anything but work and taking one class is a kind of a shell-shock. Suddenly a completely new cycle matters to me. It’s about timesheets and billing deadlines, and budget planning cycles and first quarter, second quarter, third quarter. It’s not grades, it’s performance reviews. It’s not school supplies,pads  it’s office supplies. Looseleaf, binders and notebooks used to rule my life. Now it’s  pads of paper and planners. File folders and email searches. Meetings, not classes. Deadlines, not homework.

Moving makes you really discover your priorities. When you are confronted with knowing you have to carry this shit down one flight of steps and then up two flights of steps, it’s easy to throw it away. I was mistakenly attached to some of my undergraduate coursework, to the point where I’ve saved it and moved into the current apartment with it. It’s been untouched for 11months, so I’ve had little qualms throwing a lot of it away. That which was saved fell into the category of “classes that changed my life.” I’m glad to say that the two classes that indubitably have to come to the new apartment with me are Experimental Fiction and Playwriting. I started reading some papers that I wrote for the classes, and I couldn’t help but think, “Damn, I’m good!” I didn’t want to throw away so much self-esteem.

Moving in one week will be a huge relief for me. I am beyond ready to get out of this current living environment. I have the new place built up to be this Mecca in my head, and I will, I expect, fall out of love with the new place as soon as I’m in there for a month, but right NOW the new apartment is my palace, awaiting my arrival.

The question remains – should I change jobs in a few years? So many influences sway that decision. It’s really not even an option until a few years elapse, if I continue to take classes that work pays for. I know that I have a while to really think about, and job hunting is not going to be very fruitful for someone like me at this point anyway. But the germ of the idea has been gestating for a few months now, and today, the idea became words. I mentioned that I was thinking of leaving my job to a co-worker, and after I said it, I realized how strongly I actually felt about it. Perhaps this feeling will pass. The organization might redeem itself in my eyes in the next years that I am there. The way I see it, the organization has 3 years to change into a place I want to stay. And if it does, great. If not, I’ll embark on the nightmare of a job hunt.

Either way you slice it, I’m not in a bad place right now. New apartment coming soon, summer on the horizon, new projects coming down the pike at work.

Why am I so unhappy?

New years’ resolutions have been on my mind recently, as I prefer to think of them rather than dwell on the unpleasant feelings that accompany Christmas. Do resolutions ever work? I never stick to the ones that I make. I feel instead they are a jinx, calling your mind’s attention to your flaws, without providing a solid plan to keep the resolution intact. Why bother disappointing myself again?

Around this time is when you think back of the successes and failures of the last year, and if you are me, mostly failures and embarrassments. A brief recap of my successes and failures of 2009:

January:

- Made new year’s resolution, “I don’t want to be in love,” inspired by 1) an annoying popular song at the time and 2) a recent break up

- My mom was declared cancer-free after 10 months of aggressive treatment, including 2 surgeries, 6 weeks of radiation therapy, and 12 weeks of chemotherapy (success! although I had little to do with it)

- I work full-time over Christmas break as an intern (yay making money!)

February:

- Had drunken sex with an ex-boyfriend that I had no chance of having any future romantic relationship with (failure)

March:

- Traveled to Vietnam on a school trip that changed my life (success)

April:

- Fell in love. (Damn it! End of new year’s resolution)

May:

- Graduated college (Success!)

- Had to say goodbye to my best friends for four years (sucked. Damn ambitious smart people, spread to the four winds…)

- Moved into my first apartment, which my dad co-signed my lease on. (yay!)

- Found out my dad lost his job the day before he signed my lease. (Fail. Why didn’t you tell me dad?)

June:

- Paid my first visit to the Mid-West America to meet the Bee Eff’s parents after a 10 hour car ride (2009 was a jet-setting year for me, I guess)

- Began another internship in another department of the same company. (Eh, not a full-time with benefits job yet, but I was working on it)

- Witnessed my close friend from college get married. Suddenly felt a lot older all at once.

July:

- Watched fireworks from a boat on a lake in the pouring rain. Attempted to waterski. (the waterskiing was a fail but the trip itself was a great joy)

- Applied for, and was offered, a full-time with benefits job. Had to turn it down because it paid less than I made as an intern. Turning down the first job I was offered after graduating college carried with it a great feeling of defeat.

- Got a raise at my internship! (success!!)

August:

- Can’t remember much significant happenings. Probably talked to my cat a lot. Oh, maybe went to the beach once or twice. Oh, and the Bee Eff came back to the east coast, where things are less flat and more interesting.

- Wrote for work. A LOT.  (Getting paid for writing, I believe, is a win. It’s what I always wanted growing up…. I think)

September:

- College kids went back to the school, and I suddenly felt very strange for not doing the same.

- Started taking the Dale Carnegie training class at work to stem the nostalgia for school.

October:

- Got hired as a full-time employee at work!! Life is stable and not so scary and uncertain anymore! (Biggest. Win. Ever.)

November:

- Took my first day of Paid Time off in my entire life. It feels good.

- Witness another friend, this time from high school, get married. This time I feel more depressed for her than myself.

December:

- Was awarded the Dale Carnegie award for highest achievement. One of the executive officers at my work shakes my hand and says “You da bomb!” My life became that much more complete.

- Started a blog.

When it’s all said and done, a lot more success than failure, surprisingly. New adventures coming down the pike for 2010. Among them:

1) continuing to be in a committed, monogamous relationship. What the hell is that all about?

2) grad school classes in business. My undergrad degree was in English, Creative Writing. What the hell am I getting into?

3) moving into a better part of town. Downtown, here I come!

Here’s to 2009. Not so bad. 2010 has a lot to live up to. Bring it on – I’m ready.

Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go. -Brooks Atkinson

Cyril Connolly
(1903 – 1974)

A quick google search and a relevant quotation affirms the fleeting impulse that I might want to start blogging again. I recently finished a memoir, and it was an amazing read: Lit, by Mary Karr. While I do not believe that I remotely approach her level of skill and expert level of writing, reading her distinctive voice made me thirst to find my own. Writing as a profession has been sapping the life out of me, even though it brings me some level of joy. I have begun to miss the part where I say what I want to say, instead of expelling manufactured bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. If that’s so, why do I always feel like I have to say it with more than an ounce of defensiveness?

I’m not sure what this blog is going to become. It could be just this one post, or maybe I could actually remember to update it frequently. I have recently yearned to return to writing fiction, so maybe that’s the eventual role this blog will play. Whatever it is, I welcome all readers and comments. I will try not to post anything too inflammatory on here, but no promises. My bitterness and cynicism sometimes rubs people the wrong way.

Whatever this turns out to be, thank you, non-existent readers, for coming along with me on the journey. Here goes…